England, 2012 The meaning of life in a can of soup.
It was a cold day in September, Marjorie, a kind old widow, had just been to the shop. She had bought a tin of meat for the cat, a pack of biscuits for herself and a can of tomato soup. Soup was good when it was cold outside, which is probably the only thing she had learnt through the process of living and such. Marjorie was a tad ignorant that is to say. But she was kind nevertheless.
Handbag, zipper, key, in the lock, un-lock and then warmth and frantic meowing. “Hello Truffles! You will have your dinner in a minute, be patient” Marjorie said to her cat, all she got back was of course more frantic meowing. She closed the door and took her boots and coat off to replace them with pink tartan slippers and a fluffy warm pink cardigan. She looked in the mirror in the hall and exclaimed “Wrinkles, urgh” Then tottered of in to the kitchen, first things first she opened the tin of meat and gave it to Truffles, who meowed happily. Then set of to make herself some soup. Campbell’s tomato soup it said on the can. She opened the top drawer to the left of her and fetched a can opener and put it on the dining table beside the can, and then opened the cupboard and took forth a saucepan. Marjorie was just about to open then can when the doorbell rang. She sighed and went to open the door.
“Phew!” said the can, who in fact was a god. “That was a close one, wasn’t it? Oi, can opener!” The can opener mumbled something incoherent. “What’s that, asked the can to the can opener. You jinxed or something? Jokingly, for the god already knew that was a fact” The can-god only got more incoherent mumbling, although this time a bit more like squeaks. “Oh well”, said the can and turned herself into a cat. She was a large grey cat with orange eyes. She pawed on the can opener and waited for a response.
“Bloody hell! Five bloody years, and no. I am not okay!” Bellowed the can opener.
Meanwhile in the hallway, Marjorie stood talking to her neighbour Tom, who had just got back from the military service. He got a big hug and a slap on the shoulder from his great aunt as she exclaimed “Well done boy! I who thought you would not cope, what with you being so lazy and playing your silly vid-eo games! I must say I am rather proud” Tom smiled, “it was rough though, I got a lot of injuries but otherwise it was fantastic. I have never had so many friends in my entire life!” He positively beamed at this thought, since he had always been a little on the rotund side and therefore had been bullied by the kids at school. Now he was six feet tall and was very skinny. He had dark brown eyes and hay coloured hair. “Hey Marje, you know what I heard from-“ but the rest of his sentence was lost in an ear-splinching noise coming from the kitchen.
They both covered their ears in horror, and then Tom ran in to the kitchen, where there stood a tall woman and a grumpy old man. “Bernard?! Marjorie voiced in utter bemusement. Only a curt nod was given to her. The tall woman addressed them all when she said “Good afternoon to you all, I am about to explain things a bit and I will need total silence, is that clear?” They all nodded, a bit flabbergasted. “Right then, I am Eureka and I am a god. Bernard here was jinxed in to a can opener by an old friend of mine, now foe. You lot thought he had been murdered or disappeared, for this you went to the police, which is all very well. But it was rather a waste of time if you ask me.” Marjorie looked angry and confused, and Eureka understood she was going to have to be a bit more human. “I heard a rumour a few weeks ago from one of my human look-outs that my old friend was bragging about turning an old man in to a can opener after he had offended him at the door when he had knocked and asked for a hexagonal kettle when he was in need of one for an ongoing project to turn vehicles in to large land walking animals.
I decided to go and have look for myself, I smartly picked out a product in the store to change in to, of which would have a magic field, so you would choose that exact can of soup. You did, and then you got home, fed your cat, who is very funny by the by. Then I saw Bernard and was determined to undo my foes jinx, which I did and now we are standing here” There was a long pause where no one said anything, then Tom cleared his throat and said: “I knew there was something fishy about it, life I mean… There always seemed to be more, I dunno, like more to be discovered. Things we choose to ignore. Little signs that whispered of a real world” He scratched his head, while continuing his staring at Eureka, who probably was the prettiest girl he had ever set his eyes on.
“You mean to say I have been using my own husband as a can opener, a bloody can opener for five bloody years?!” Marjorie almost screamed. Eureka tried to soothe the crowd by saying what needed to be said. “Yes, the world is not right. But believe me now when I say I shall bust the motherfu-“ She stopped herself and began again. “I will find George Pevernell. Trust me, he will be made an example of to the other world. But now I must remove myself from this scene, there is more to do. Nice to meet you Bernard” They shook hands, Bernard full of gratitude towards the god. “By the way, if you ever try to speak to anyone about this your toes will turn in to toasters…” She smirked and then with a pop, she disappeared.
Marjorie looked around the kitchen and said: “Great, now what the hell are we going to eat now when the food turned out to be a god? I suspect the packet of biscuits really is Nelson Mandela and the watches around the house must be The Beetles, must they not?!” She looked angry, Tom and Bernard exchanged looks. Then they started to laugh, laugh so much. It was all so very bizarre all of them thought. “Right then” Said Tom addressing his great aunt. “It seems we have all learned the meaning of life, from a can of soup, now let us start living life for real, I suggest we go to the Indian restaurant and write a plan of how we should infiltrate the other world!” Bernard laughed at Tom’s plans, went over to his wife, hugged her and said: “Yes, let us live again, I for one really need a walk” Marjorie finally smiled a bit, a tear ran down her cheek, Bernard wiped it away carefully with the back of his hand and said to her. “Everything is going to be alright Marje” She nodded, hiccoughed and started walking with her husband and Tom out in to the free world.
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